Today is my ex’s birthday, and I sent her a card the other day. It was one of those one with a quote on the front, this particular example apparently from a Japanese proverb:
No road is too long with a friend by your side
Or something like that. Pretty cheesy, right? She’s going through a hell of a lot at the moment, and I feel like I’m not giving her the support that she probably needs. I like to think that I’m available for her if she wants to talk to me, but the sheer distance between us (4 hours on the train) makes things a bit difficult.
My intention was to write her a letter too, but when I sat down the other night to actually put pen to paper, I wasn’t sure in which direction to go. I knew roughly what I wanted to say, but didn’t have any sentences in my head, or any real structure.
I just let the pen guide me and wrote in my usual rambling manner, but as I was coming to the end of the third (small) page, I realised that I was not saying what I wanted to say.
I’d been intending to reiterate my support for her, to tell her that I still cared, and that I was there for her if she needed me. I wanted to say that even though we were no longer together, she still meant a hell of a lot to me.
What in fact came out was a sense that I was telling her my life is going brilliantly, and has been since we finished. Not, I should point out, because we broke up, as there have been many other factors in the last 12 months which have had a positive effect on my life.
It wasn’t explicit, but I definitely felt that she would pick up on the undertone there. And that would be the last thing she needed right now: a slightly gloating letter from an ex-boyfriend.
I decided not to finish nor include the letter in the card, but instead to just put a couple of lines inside. I wrote something like this:
Yes, it’s a corny line [referring to the quote on the card], but I mean it. You ever need anything, you let me know.
Short, concise and to the point. Unlike most of my writing.
I hope she reads this in the way it was intended. As in that I still care, and want her to know that. It’s always difficult being friends with an ex, but we were close before we were together, and I think we still are now.
