Rob, Rambling - A lot of things interest me...

Today is my ex’s birthday, and I sent her a card the other day. It was one of those one with a quote on the front, this particular example apparently from a Japanese proverb:

No road is too long with a friend by your side

Or something like that. Pretty cheesy, right? She’s going through a hell of a lot at the moment, and I feel like I’m not giving her the support that she probably needs. I like to think that I’m available for her if she wants to talk to me, but the sheer distance between us (4 hours on the train) makes things a bit difficult.

My intention was to write her a letter too, but when I sat down the other night to actually put pen to paper, I wasn’t sure in which direction to go. I knew roughly what I wanted to say, but didn’t have any sentences in my head, or any real structure.

I just let the pen guide me and wrote in my usual rambling manner, but as I was coming to the end of the third (small) page, I realised that I was not saying what I wanted to say.

I’d been intending to reiterate my support for her, to tell her that I still cared, and that I was there for her if she needed me. I wanted to say that even though we were no longer together, she still meant a hell of a lot to me.

What in fact came out was a sense that I was telling her my life is going brilliantly, and has been since we finished. Not, I should point out, because we broke up, as there have been many other factors in the last 12 months which have had a positive effect on my life.

It wasn’t explicit, but I definitely felt that she would pick up on the undertone there. And that would be the last thing she needed right now: a slightly gloating letter from an ex-boyfriend.

I decided not to finish nor include the letter in the card, but instead to just put a couple of lines inside. I wrote something like this:

Yes, it’s a corny line [referring to the quote on the card], but I mean it. You ever need anything, you let me know.

Short, concise and to the point. Unlike most of my writing.

I hope she reads this in the way it was intended. As in that I still care, and want her to know that. It’s always difficult being friends with an ex, but we were close before we were together, and I think we still are now.

My ex-girlfriend was in London this evening. Or at least I think she was. She was due in about 8ish, for one night only, and we’d arranged to meet around 9, after I left the work thing I was at.

We didn’t break up on bad terms, and still speak a lot. She’s got a lot of problems that she’s working through, and there aren’t too many people she’s confided in. I’m one of those people and try to offer support where I can.

It’s a bit hard over phone and MSN though, especially as she lives over 4 hours away by train. I like to think I’ve been supportive, but we haven’t seen each other in the flesh since we broke up 12 months ago. She broke up with me, incidentally.

Anyways, we didn’t get to meet up because she had some huge train delays and didn’t get here until gone 10, and on the opposite side of London from where I live. I’m hoping to grab lunch with her tomorrow, but judging by her last text that might not happen, as she’s just here to get a US Visa, I think.

I find it difficult to really be straight with her, because she constantly changes her mind from day to day. She has good days and bad days. Hell, she has good hours and bad hours. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going sometimes.

I think she’s gotten used to the idea that I have a girlfriend now, with whom I’m very happy, but I can’t help thinking that if we meet in person she’d ask me if there was any chance of getting back together. She did that over the phone a while back, and when I said no she very quickly ended the conversation and hung up.

I don’t want this to come across as arrogant, or that I think myself to be quite the catch, but I think an outright ‘no’ to her face would really break her. Which puts me in quite the uncomfortable situation. I still care for her, and really want her to improve, but I don’t know if I help the situation.

Realistically, I don’t know whether my happiness helps the situation.

She’s at a low, and has been since we finished (and before/during our relationship too), while I’ve basically moved on and am in one of the happiest periods of my life to date.

Hopefully she’ll be around tomorrow and we can have a proper talk, because I’d love to catch up and see how she is in person. There’s a limit to what you can perceive over the phone.

On that depressing note.